Aimlessness

At the start of yet another new year, I am finally trying to change myself. Or at least some things about myself. Not that I haven't tried changing myself in the past, but still. This time I'll put sincere effort. A little more than just trying.


I finally have come to this realization that do achieve whatever I want to achieve I have to work a bit more extra as compared to others. Other with equal capabilities as mine. e.g. if others can lit a matchstick in one attempt by rubbing it on the phosphorus layer, I will have to rub it twice. If others can die by shooting themselves just once in the head, I'll have to shoot myself twice. So, having realized this, I would put in more effort into whatever I am up to. Just to increase the chance of success by a few percentage points. In other words, I will rely less and less on luck, kismet and god. As, they hardly come handy. So, I'll try that these remain mere words in my dictionary, nothing more.


I have also come to a conclusion that I have to improve my efficiency. To do this, I will try and maintain a diary and make a to-do-list. It sounds old fashioned, but then I am no Ranbir Kapoor. I am old.


I know changing oneself is quite a challenging task. But, what's life without challenges. One more change that I will try and bring about in me is to reduce my reluctance of talking with people over the phone. I have realized it for long that I tend to avoid calls from people. Calls from home. Calls from friends. Calls from relatives and acquaintances. And calls from motuu. For no obvious reasons. This may be because of anything. My shy nature. My fear of questions that I don't want to answer. May be because I have to decline so many wedding invitations because my job doesn't allow many leaves. May be I have to stall the weekend plans with friends because I have to work on Sat and Sun. I have not come to a real reason why I do this. Why I so many times avoid phone calls. But I do. And I am not sure how do I change that. Will try.


Finally, I want to achieve few things this year. First and foremost, what I want to do in life. Which brings me some pleasure. I don't want to tune into that MBA a station again though I wanted it so badly. May be more than anything I had ever wanted. Now, I need to find the next thing that I want badly.


Secondly, will try and enroll myself for one professional course. May be CA or LLB (a vague thought. Not sure). But it will be something.


Last, I am bored. Will lose my virginity before the end of this year. As I am getting this feeling that I am losing interest in it all with each passing day.


Hope. It happens. But then as I said in the beginning, I have to do more than just hope to make it happen.


Will check this post on 31st Dec, 2013.

Shamelessness

Last night came "yet another new year". Wishes were sent. Calls were made. That clichéd "happy new year" was uttered. Come 2nd Jan, this will be an year just like the years gone by. Historically, poors are mocked upon. The rich show-off. Women get assaulted, raped, killed. Men treat women as their property.


Nothing will change. This will prove to be "yet another new year". Poors will still be poor. Rich will still be rich. Women will still be women. And men will still be men.


Nothing but the number will change.


I just hope this new year does not become "yet another new year". I hope that this year brings a change. A change in mentality. A change in leadership. A change in attitude. A change in people's reluctance to call themselves Indians. I have heard people calling it shameful to be Indian. This is a shocking change from "proud to be Indian" days.


Let's bring about a real change this year. So, we can celebrate the next new year with little satisfaction.


Wishing all a new year.

Mayan Disappointment

Just like everybody, Mayans too disappoint me. World didn’t come to an end as envisaged by their calendar. This means, I will have to carry on with this stupid life. I don’t know why am I in this world. I bring no positive change to this world. I don’t matter in any scheme of things. I don’t spend a day when I am truly happy and tension free. Tension of boss when on the job, tension of getting a job when out of job. Tension of money when on the job, tension of more money when out of job. Tension of saving money while shopping and tension of self-image and status when wearing worn out apparels.


Want to do something in life but hell. I have started thinking I am useless. Can’t do anything on my own. Stupid common man. Can’t risk my job to do something. Family needs money. Can’t do the job too as I am professional enough to put my points through. I am too sentimental. Why was I programmed this way I don’t know? But I hate it. I hate the fact that I don’t think about myself. The most stupid thing in today’s life is to be sentimental and bravo! I am the greatest sentimental fool in the entire world.


If suicide were a game I would win the Olympic gold. Dear God! If ever you destroy this world and think of creating a new one. Keep one thing in mind. Don’t make poverty. It cripples. Peoples’ thinking, their attitude towards life, their decision making and their rational. It cripples the world. Though the world would be a far less entertainment for you in that case, but it would at least be a level stage for your puppets to put up a fair show.

dark night

Well. I return to this blog when I feel utter frustrated and lonely. When I find nobody to share my worries with. I am terrible at sharing anyway. So I find it convenient to write my stuff down. So Google can remember it for me and nobody else can read it. I am feeling worried. A lot of it. I didn't feel worried so much even when I was rudely denied an admission in a B school. I put in my most sincere efforts last year but that too didn't pay off. It had kind of broken me into pieces. They say it's not the end of the world. MBA is not the final thing. But still, it hurts. As I can't see anything else happening to me either. That was the only thing that Ii could do by my own efforts. Now I have to live on God's mercy. Waiting when he will make things right for me. They say "wo sab thik karta hai". Devastated, I continued with the same teaching thing. Accepting that all I can do in life is to be a teacher. So, I am trying to improve on it only. But, as the next MBA season approaches, I am getting confused by each passing day. Whether I give it another try or let go of it for the better, I can't decide. No point asking my parents. No point asking Rachita. It's one hell of a situation. Parents will say no as now they want me to get married. Rachita will say no as she would want us to get married. Not that there is anything wrong in them wanting me to get married. But, the point is I am not confident about it. Not at all. One should get married when he has achieved certain level of stability in life. Certain level of satisfaction. But all I have achieved in life is frustration and failure. Such people shouldn't get married. And nobody would marry such people. Rachita still wants, but that is primarily because we are in a relationship for last 6 years and it's impossible for her to think of somebody else. Then there is one pressing question that involves my parents. Lifelong poverty has affected their mentality to such an extent that they always think of saving money for the future and thereby ruin the present. Also that future never seems to come. Decisions, as simple as buying a smart phone, are governed by my approaching marriage. Argument is, if i but a 10 K phone, where will the money come from for my marriage. Which leaves me wondering when will I ever earn for myself and spend on my free will. If I get married and think that i will be able to spend a little extra money on some necessary luxuries, what are the chances of not being told "how will you take care of your kids". this is the thought that is killing me these days. Whenever I have some time to think I only think of one thing. Should I get married. At all. Because I know, the expanses will go up after this. And then there will be problem. Do I have the right to spoil somebody's life knowingly. I don't know What will happen. But these questions are killing me. And nobody will understand. I seriously hope bhagwan "kuch" to thik karega.

delhi!!

They call it hot...I call it warm, They call it a crowd...I call it a party, They call them brats...I call them brothers, They call it bad...I call it bliss, They call it traffic...I call it a festival, They call it dirty...I call it dressed, They call it a sinner...I call it a saint, They call it barren...I call it loam, They call it DELHI...I call it Home !!!

congrats motu!

I had almost abandoned blogging for all practical purposes. Not because there were no takers for my articles, But because I didn't have anything of importance to write for months at a stretch. But now one girl has given me the reason to write. And man, this IS some REASON.

First of all, congrats Rachita Rasiwasia. You've done it. You've made y(our) dream come true. You've made all your near and dear ones proud- your parents, your sister, your friends and your gawar. You may now argue that you've never wished to do an MBA, you just wanted time so aomebody can be ready to get married with you in the mean time; but I know somewhere down there you wanted to prove something. You wanted to prove to some of your friends that you still can do things which they can't so what if you are slightly overweight. You wanted to prove to some in your family that though you are a girl, you can beat boys of the family on some fronts. You wanted to prove to the Gods of misfortune that despite so much adversities that he has bestowed upon you, you kept the spirits going.

I know the journey has been tough for you. There were long and dark hours. There were times when the failure was looming and no light at the other end of tunnel. But, you kept the courage. Sailed through. And see. Here you are.

I am sure you have a long way to go. This is just a pleasant stay before the long journey ahead. And I am sure you will wade through all the challenges that life puts to you.

What more. Just congrats. Keep faith in your Bhagwaan jii and of course in you.

new post

Planning to write a romantic story. The idea hit me 3 - 4 days back while I was doing nothing (almost). I just hope I wouldn't procrastinate this time.