dark night

Well. I return to this blog when I feel utter frustrated and lonely. When I find nobody to share my worries with. I am terrible at sharing anyway. So I find it convenient to write my stuff down. So Google can remember it for me and nobody else can read it. I am feeling worried. A lot of it. I didn't feel worried so much even when I was rudely denied an admission in a B school. I put in my most sincere efforts last year but that too didn't pay off. It had kind of broken me into pieces. They say it's not the end of the world. MBA is not the final thing. But still, it hurts. As I can't see anything else happening to me either. That was the only thing that Ii could do by my own efforts. Now I have to live on God's mercy. Waiting when he will make things right for me. They say "wo sab thik karta hai". Devastated, I continued with the same teaching thing. Accepting that all I can do in life is to be a teacher. So, I am trying to improve on it only. But, as the next MBA season approaches, I am getting confused by each passing day. Whether I give it another try or let go of it for the better, I can't decide. No point asking my parents. No point asking Rachita. It's one hell of a situation. Parents will say no as now they want me to get married. Rachita will say no as she would want us to get married. Not that there is anything wrong in them wanting me to get married. But, the point is I am not confident about it. Not at all. One should get married when he has achieved certain level of stability in life. Certain level of satisfaction. But all I have achieved in life is frustration and failure. Such people shouldn't get married. And nobody would marry such people. Rachita still wants, but that is primarily because we are in a relationship for last 6 years and it's impossible for her to think of somebody else. Then there is one pressing question that involves my parents. Lifelong poverty has affected their mentality to such an extent that they always think of saving money for the future and thereby ruin the present. Also that future never seems to come. Decisions, as simple as buying a smart phone, are governed by my approaching marriage. Argument is, if i but a 10 K phone, where will the money come from for my marriage. Which leaves me wondering when will I ever earn for myself and spend on my free will. If I get married and think that i will be able to spend a little extra money on some necessary luxuries, what are the chances of not being told "how will you take care of your kids". this is the thought that is killing me these days. Whenever I have some time to think I only think of one thing. Should I get married. At all. Because I know, the expanses will go up after this. And then there will be problem. Do I have the right to spoil somebody's life knowingly. I don't know What will happen. But these questions are killing me. And nobody will understand. I seriously hope bhagwan "kuch" to thik karega.